my first livejournal entry ever

27 May, 2025

So here’s a eldritch surprise—like tripping over a severed limb in your childhood bedroom: I found my LiveJournal archive.

i wasn't looking, mind, but I knew it existed, somewhere, buried in the loam and mildew. But to simply stumble on it that was not in the card spread.

Here’s how it went down: I bought a new MacBook. First one in nearly a decade. Sleek, pale, humming. My last machine was just modern enough to play host to the sinister convenience of iCloud-synced desktops. And apparently, like some archival golem I shoved into a drawer and forgot, my digital past had been there all along. It revived, thick with ancient purpose and as creaking

A few days ago, there it was—manifesting without fanfare, just sitting there, this chunk of me from 2003. College-era me. Unaware of the shape of dysthymia, but absolutely marinating in it. You can see it oozing from the edges of every keystroke.

I wish I could reach through time and grab that kid by the hoodie, whisper into their ear, “Hey. It gets better. Exponentially. The way college eclipsed high school? That’s how adulthood eclipses college. There’s light. There’s air.”

Curious to see that I still wrestle with the same great horror: community. The ability to belong, to fit, to resonate without distortion. It eludes me like a dream half-remembered—no less vital, no less maddening.

So please, let us both listen to a voice I thought I’d outgrown, but which still stirs in the dark, muttering truths mayhap best left untranslated.

Highlighted texts are LJ blogs or communities. Echoes.

Edit: I remade the avatar icon I used for LF for fun. Original first then the recreation. Bet you couldn’t tell….

Originally posted: 2003-06-09
Platform: LiveJournal

Dichotomy, or is it ambivalence?

Dichotomy: di·chot·o·my n. pl. di·chot·o·mies Division into two usually contradictory parts or opinions: “the dichotomy of the one and the many” (Louis Auchincloss).

Ambivalence am·biv·a·lence n. The coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings, such as love and hate, toward a person, object, or idea.

I'm not sure what to think now-a-days. I have this really strong yearning, though I am loath to use that word (thirst, or urge maybe [certainly yen or zazzle]) to be with people on a regular basis. I like company and quickly get lonely, especially at night, when there is no one else here.

But, people get on my nerves so quickly, especially in larger (voluminous, whopping, jumbo) groups. Like, people were here tonight for a game CowEyed was running. The persons playing I like on one level (degree, grade, status) or another, but the people shut me down. When persons become people I get sad (melancholy, morose, torpid [usually all together]) and can no longer get any where in game or out. It's frustrating. I don't like the languor but it keeps happening.

Me thinks this is why people don't call me ever. Mayhap I fail to really be fun, though there are groups that keep me going really easily (Smash lounge, The Ancient Ones). But they don't call either, granted they are many moons away from here, but what of being 50 yards. That seems to stop them oh so easily. Unless they want something.

Hmm, lost stream.

So, I want to people here, but don't. I want and un-want quite easily at the same time. I guess it falls more into ambivalence than dichotomy. I think sleep has something to do with it. I need to get the right sleep times going.

People grate (vex, rile, rankle) easier when my brain is off and my mind asleep. What was my point again? Blast.

How long for the rest of those I know to find this journal. 'Course Adsartha gave this to me. :) She already knows.

I think I'll angst on Charleston by Night.

-ABM

#livejournal